When Your Child Seems to be Testing You: How Mixed Messages Affect Behavior
If your child seems to be having more meltdowns, pushing back on limits, or struggling to follow rules at home or at school, you are NOT alone. Many of our families are experiencing this, and it can feel confusing and exhausting.
One often-overlooked reason for these struggles is inconsistency in rules and boundaries especially across caregivers. This can happen even in the most loving, well-intentioned families.
Why Inconsistency Is So Hard for Young Children
Young children are still learning how the world works. They are constantly taking in new information and trying to find predictable patterns. They rely on adults to provide clear, consistent boundaries so they can feel safe and confident.
When expectations change depending on who is in charge (one rule with one adult and a different rule with another) or depending on the level of exhaustion a parent is experiencing on any given day, it causes confusion for the child. When children test limits and boundaries they aren’t being defiant or manipulative. They’re trying to figure out:
What are the rules?
Who should I listen to?
What happens if I push this limit?
It becomes extra confusing when (naturally) a rule or boundary isn’t liked and it’s not consistently enforced. “Bedtime is 7pm” except when Mama is exhausted and doesn’t have it in her to fight the good fight, “We don’t jump on couches” except at Nonni’s house beause I’m so cute how could she say no?, “We don’t hit or push” except for Dad who laughs and playfully pushes me right back when I do it to him.
This confusion can present as:
Increased tantrums or emotional outbursts
More testing of limits
Difficulty following directions
Power struggles at home and school
Disrespecting the boundaries of peers (hitting, poking, etc.) because they think this is playful
“Just This Once” Feels Much Bigger to a Young Child
Adults understand flexibility and exceptions. Young children cannot yet understand this concept.
When a rule applies sometimes but not others, (or with some people and not others) children don’t experience it as a “special case.” Instead, it feels like the rule itself is unstable. This often leads to more arguing and repeated requests, not fewer.
Consistency over time is what helps children internalize and accept expectations.
Common Situations Families Face
Inconsistency doesn’t mean anyone is doing something wrong. It often happens when:
A parent finds themselves too worn down to be consistent (bending the rule will appease the child in the moment giving the parent temporary relief)
Parents have different beliefs or discipline styles
Grandparents want to help and love “spoiling” their grand babies without realizing the impact
Multiple caregivers are involved or step in during busy or stressful times
These differences usually come from love, but they can unintentionally create confusion for children.
Why Consistent Boundaries Actually Make Life Easier
Although the idea of getting everyone on the same page and being consistent across the board seems like a massive undertaking- it’s actually easier over time. When children know what to expect, they feel safer, there’s no confusion surrounding what’s acceptable, and behavior improves.
Consistent rules and boundaries help to:
Reduce power struggles
Support emotional regulation
Build independence and confidence
Strengthen cooperation at home and school
Helps your child to be respectful of peers and other adults
Boundaries aren’t about being strict. They’re about creating consistent rules and predictable environments so that children can thrive.
How Families Can Build Consistency (Even When It’s Hard)
Agree on a few non-negotiable rules especially around safety, sleep, eating, hygiene, and respect. For instance, hitting, biting, pushing, and generally invading people’s spaces should be a “never.” Many parents will sort of dismiss it when their child hits, pushes, yells at them, because they aren’t quite sure what to do about it. If you accept it, your child may very well hit their teacher, a peer, or another caregiver at some point. If you wouldn’t want them to do it at school- don’t allow it at home.
Try to use similar language and approaches across caregivers when beginning to set consistent limits. We find that validation> boundary/rule> suggestion/ask is a great formula. “I understand that you’re mad and maybe disappointed (validation), but hitting is a never (rule). Can you tell me with your words what made you so mad (ask) or do you think you need some quiet time before you can find your words? (suggestion)”
Address changes to expectations by acknowledging differences in the past or across caregivers and giving advanced notice as needed.
“I know that I used to let you jump on the couch, but it’s really not something that is allowed anywhere else so it would be teaching you the wrong thing if I let it happen at my house.”
“I know we usually let you play on the iPad before school, but the teachers have shared that they notice on the days we don’t you seem to have a green zone day. For now we’re going to have a no iPad before school rule.” (FYI we do notice this and if you’re going to try this, let us know. Behavior at school and home tends to get worse initially when you reduce screen time and then things feel amazing a week or two later.)
“I know we usually get a toy when we go into stores together, but today we’re on a mission to get our grocery shopping done. Toys aren’t on our list today. You might see a toy and get really excited, but we’re going to stick to our list today, buddy. [later in the store] “Oh! that is a cool toy! Remember, we’re on a mission and toys aren’t on the list this time. But that would be so cool to have. Let’s take a picture of it so when you earn a special prize we remember where to find this.”
Share expectations with grandparents or babysitters to get everyone on the same page. “Hey, we’ve hit some behavioral struggles and we’re working really hard to create across-the-board expectations and boundaries.” Share what the rules and boundaries are and let them know you’ll be touching in with questions about how it went afterward. Ongoing, open (and supportive) communication is KEY.
Address disagreements privately, not in front of the child. Children should never be privy to conversations like these, but especially conversations that involve them- unless it’s a glowing review of course!
When inconsistency happens (because it will), calmly reset and move forward. Remember that this is just as much of a change for the other parents and caregivers as it is for the child. It will take practice and positive reinforcement. Acknowledge positive changes your seeing and thank them for their efforts. Share any positive feedback you’re hearing from school or others so that everyone can celebrate the improvements.
Working Together for Your Child
Children do best when the adults in their lives are working as a team. Consistency between home and school, and across all caregivers supports a child’s emotional well-being and learning.
Don’t expect perfection of yourself or others, but try to be focused on constant progress. Even small steps toward clearer, shared expectations can make a noticeable difference.
Thank you for all the care and effort you put into supporting your child. We’re so thankful to have such engaged families who are committed to their children’s success. Please keep us posted on this effort if it applies to you. We can absolutely be a partner in your efforts to get all caregivers on the same page!
Miss Jill
